Monday, February 6, 2012

"Z" is for Ezra

I remember when life was easy and dreams felt like reality, attainable merely by looking up to the stars and speaking them into existence.  Some of those have come true. Others have fizzled out, falling by the wayside. There are those that still remain, shining bright, waiting for me to board my rocket ship and capture them. But in truth, they are trapped in time, so far away it feels like they never existed.
Then there’s Ezra or as I call him now... Z. I think about how Ezra looks at me sometimes, studying my face, dissecting my every move. How he observes me when I’m happy, laughing at my silly faces. How he gives me a blank stare when I’m mad, yelling because something isn’t going my way. I worry because I don’t want him to be like me. I want him to represent his curly top, bushy eyebrows, two buck-bottom teeth and belly to the fullest. I want him to create his own identity but I understand it’s my job to help shape it and that’s terrifying. I call him Z because of the z in his name but also because Moose A. Moose’s best friend on Nick Jr. is named Zee, a little blue bird who buzzes around, doesn’t say much and always has Moose’s back. I love how it teaches him to sing, how to count, to recognize shapes and colors, even though he might not know exactly what’s going on just yet. Even more, I love how Zee represents friendship. I see that spirit in Ezra, a type of aura that shields him from outside anger and disappointment. It’s the same force field that somehow protects him from physical harm no matter how many times he hits his big head. I wonder how much of me lives inside him. I’m scared the worst of me will be transferred, finding its way to his heart. I pray the little black cloud that follows Winnie the Pooh around never finds him, although I know Ezra’s umbrella of innocence blocks the rain for now. I see his personality forming before my eyes. I envision his future. What can I provide for him? Will I be enough for him?

"Z" and "Zee" with me...
I remember when life was easy, when I could look into the sky and manipulate those stars into whatever I wanted. Ezra will do the same only he will take his hands and mold his dreams into beautiful sculptures of reality. He will explore the sky and jump from star to star and make anything possible. He will believe in himself, even when no one else does. He will believe in those dreams that now sit there in the sky waiting for him to get on his rocket ship and start his journey to greatness, a journey that brings me more happiness than any dream I’ve ever dreamt.

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